Close your eyes.
Imagine a desi girl, her arms wrapped around some white guy.
Now imagine these two laughing at how socially inept desi guys are, how they're chicken, how they're coddled, how they cant approach.
Now imagine the girl asking the guy to do an impression of how "an indian guy approaches" and then laugh at this mockery.
Now ask yourself. is this not the behavior of a girl so smitten with self-hatred? someone who hates her background and culture so much she has to run to what she's been pummelled with as "superior" ?
You know. in the old days, white men raped and pillaged and instituted programs to force minority men into thinking less of themselves and forced minority women into hating themselves and likewise, the men of their culture.
Now it seems desi women are just all the more likely to follow that path willingly.
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In my opinion if a desi limits herself or himself to dating exclusively desi, that smacks more of low self esteem (won't use the term self hatred), than a desi that does not limit herself or himself to the desi gene pool. In India are only choice is to date desi because that is all who's there. However, when in Rome do like the Romans do. We have a smorgasboard of choice here and why limit ourselves? Do we lack that much confidence? I never limited myself to dating only desi, why should I? I'm a multi-cultural American. I also never ruled desis out. I dated all kinds of guys, and yes, I was the one to approach first in many cases, and yes, I got turned down and suffered rejection quite a number of times. I also never experienced that desi guys were more awkward than others at "approaching". I never had any more issues with desi guys than I've had with desi girls and those issues are that they complain about desi culture's restrictions on their lives without doing anything to REMOVE themselves from that culture which they complain about.
That's why I am currently living with a desi guy who was just as fed up as me and we LEFT it all behind us. You know, like other Americans do between the ages of 18-20??? Leave home. Live by your own rules, etc?
So really, that's my only beef with the desi community. Other than that, it's alright.
I would say one reason why desi men and women prefer to date non-desi is precisely because they want to be with people who are self-determined. I can't blame them there. Can you?
"In my opinion if a desi limits herself or himself to dating exclusively desi, that smacks more of low self esteem (won't use the term self hatred),"
AGAIN you completely shift the sphere of discussion.
I dont think anyone limits themselves, but some say they have a better chance who understands their situation, and the experiences only available to minorities,
"I would say one reason why desi men and women prefer to date non-desi is precisely because they want to be with people who are self-determined."
in the desi male case I can say it's because they thing white women are prettier. but they usually need a shit load of money.
In the desi female case its due to disneyficatoin and a deep seated sense of self-hatred.
HMF, I have very little tolerance for adults who avoid taking personal accountability/responsibility for their choices in life and instead opt for placing the blame outside themselves onto their families, their cultures, their societies.
That was my main issue with the desi community growing up. So, instead of complaining about it I got out as soon as I hit legal age.
I took responsibility for my job choices, my dating/mating choices, and all the other choices that desis like to blame their families and cultures for. That's called being a functional adult.
I don't blame my family or culture for keeping my dating/mating options open. Why did I date non-desi? Because I COULD.
The reasons for dating non-desi vary from desi to desi. I wouldn't know about self hatred because I have always had a healthy sense of self. My parents raised me to be a go-getter in many aspects of life, and I was raised in a country that facilitates individual achievement. However, there were some areas where I was expected to tow the desi line. Instead of complain about that I did what any self respecting adult would do - I left the association of persons who thought they could control me after having turned 18 years of age.
I don't think there is anything in today's America that is holding adult desi men and women from doing whatever they want (within the parameters of the law). Therefore I do not entertain desi men and women who bitch and complain about not being able to do this or that because of their desi culture or because of THE MAN, or whatever. For God's sake. We are living in the USA now. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT PEOPLE!
I know for a fact that this constant childish complaining of desi men and women is one of the reasons why self-determined desis do not want to date them. Can you blame them? No.
I am currently with my desi partner NOT because he is desi, but because I like him for the self-determined individual that he is.
We are not together because we share "minority experience stories" or because we share the same religion or cultural background. And we are certainly not together because our families put us together.
Self-determination does wonders for one's self-esteem.
Self-esteem increases one's inner and outer game. An increase in inner and outer game will attract more dates your way. I'm living proof of that.
"HMF, I have very little tolerance for adults who avoid taking personal accountability/responsibility for their choices in life and instead opt for placing the blame outside themselves onto their families, their cultures, their societies."
maybe you should start a blog on your own. First of all, thats you, but your discussion about fighting the desi community
"I took responsibility for my job choices, my dating/mating choices, and all the other choices that desis like to blame their families and cultures for. That's called being a functional adult."
Most kids in college are dependent on their parents, they are paying the bills, so they are pulling the strings..
WHY ARE YOU SHIFTING THE DISCUSSION?
"I know for a fact that this constant childish complaining of desi men and women is one of the reasons why self-determined desis do not want to date them."
I am a self determined desi. but it'll make me poor because the line I want to go into isn't lucrative. That means no roses, no fancy dinners, no expensive gifts. So tell me, would you date me?
"Self-determination does wonders for one's self-esteem.
Self-esteem increases one's inner and outer game. "
Nice little hallmark card, but over simplified to the core. First of all.. outer game is all about looks and physicality.. self determination does nothing for that.
inner game, yes, it does, however if that means you can't spend loads money paying cover charges to get into bars and other social functions, how do you meet women? Especially for a guy, who has the onus on him to do so.
Seriously, you are speaking about things you can't possibly understand.
And yes, part of the reason you are with your desi partner is a sense of shared experience, that experience just happens to be feeling the push of the larger desi community and "fighting against it"
By the way. it's not that easy when you're 18 just to say F you to your parents and "do what you want" some kids have been raised to always have their dreams, their potential put down. Some kids have been called ugly for 18 yrs straight and basically told by their peers that they have no sexual prowess, or capacity to attract the opposite sex, Think of a person who has that behind him, and then ask them if they can just be "self determined"?
Now maybe you are lucky enough to not have any of the aforementioned - and if so, kudos, but to grandstand and say "I believe in taking personal respnosibility bla bla bla" is a bit myopic and callous actually.
"I left the association of persons who thought they could control me after having turned 18 years of age. "
Elaborate. Did you move out? Did you go to college? did you pay for it yourself? did you work? did you find some rich white dick to suck in exchange for money?
Its a very vague point you've made here.
"First of all, thats you, but your discussion about fighting the desi community"
meant to say..
"First of all, thats you, but your discussion about fighting the desi community isn't very relevant"
I moved out the day I turned 18, prepared for that day about 6 months in advance. Got my own, small, rodent invested place and a job. Evenutally I saved to go to community college fulltime and also had a part-time job then.
As you know, very few desis go to community college (and none work to put themselves through college, at least I haven't met any) but there were a few at mine. They befriended me and I dated the male ones but we did not have much in common. I ended up mixing more with the other lower income students coz we seemed to have more in common. Those desis went on to University soon anyway, as desis are most likely to do. One is of a course an investor now. My mother is probably losing sleep over that at night.
You seem to be really angry. Your comments about me sucking white dick to put myself through college and other sexually explicit ASSumptions, are uncalled for and inappropriate.
I know it's your policy to disrespect people, at least women, until they PROOVE themselves to you, but my policy is to RESPECT everyone unless and until they do something to revoke that respect. My family background, my religion, my culture and my country has taught me that.
At some point you are going to have to just accept that you may not ever meet, date and marry the desi girl of your dreams, accept that and move on. You may also have to accept that you may never find your ideal partner or any partner at all and accept that and start developing a relationship with yourself as your own best friend.
I don't have any answers for your situation but what I do know is that when we realize that true peace and happiness is never handed to us from without, but rather, it is something cultivated INSIDE, and we start to cultivate that, well then, we usually find peace and happiness, whether we are married or single for life won't matter.
If it's really important for you to find a mate then you might want to "lower" your standards. I know most desi guys and their moms dream of a professional and gorgeous desi wife and daughter in law who rakes in 6 figures and still makes a mean tandoori chicken, but you know what? Lower income women with no high degrees and mediocre jobs and looks ARE PEOPLE TOO.
But we are never good enough for desi guys and their moms....
Why is that?
"I moved out the day I turned 18, prepared for that day about 6 months in advance. Got my own, small, rodent invested place and a job. Evenutally I saved to go to community college fulltime and also had a part-time job then."
Yes your story is non-standard. I guess by comparison I'm one of those "coddled" ones. When parents dish out 120 grand (mostly on loans) to go to an Ivy league school. you kind feel guilty about not studying something practial and lucrative. Which is what I did.
What job did you do?
"You seem to be really angry."
So was MLK. And he got things done. sometimes being angry gives you the right motivation to change things about society that you feel are unjust.
Again, if I am angry maybe you should be more interested in the situation that generated that level of distrust.
"Your comments about me sucking white dick to put myself through college and other sexually explicit ASSumptions, are uncalled for and inappropriate."
This from someone who had made similar comments about being coddled, sucking my mother's breasts, etc ? If you are going to dish it out, be prepared to take it.
"I don't have any answers for your situation but what I do know is that when we realize that true peace and happiness is never handed to us from without, but rather, it is something cultivated INSIDE,"
again, nice hallmark card. But while these generalities provide nice fodder for the next Deepak Chopra book,
"If it's really important for you to find a mate then you might want to "lower" your standards."
again with the quotes. dear god. please read a book on writing style. Why are you putting "lower" in quotes here. explain that.
And my standards aren't that high at all.
1 make my dick hard.
2 if you believe in equality, don't be a hypocrite
if you don't believe in equality, be prepared to do traditional female things when it comes to relationships.
I don't see how ranting on an unknown blog is going to change the world or the USA like MLK did.
Really, the only thing that a coddled (by your own admittance) desi dude can change is HIMSELF.
Like I said before, I have low tolerance for people who choose coddling and complaining over living life on their own terms and taking responsibility for whatever that brings.
I struggled financially from the day I moved out and Target is where I shop when I have some extra cash, but guess what? I take full responsibility for my choices and I'm actually happy.
Materialistic and coddled desi dudes who bitch and complain about their "fate" are not what I consider dynamic association.
I put lower in " " because by "lower" standards I meant that they were not actually lower but that coddled and materialistic desis consider such women to be lower, when in fact there is no such thing as a higher or lower human to anybody else.
Geez.
"I don't see how ranting on an unknown blog is going to change the world or the USA like MLK did"
when MLK was just starting out, the majority of the country considered everything out of his mouth a "rant", and of course there were no blogs then, but his small church had the same visibility as an unknown blog.
"Really, the only thing that a coddled (by your own admittance) desi dude can change is HIMSELF."
Really? ironic how I read this after yet again another rejection : "Things are really busy this week"
So instruct me. what do I write back? Things are not busy? Do I go jokey? Do I say "thats cool, whenever you have free time lets hang out"?
Do I call her out on her bullshit (which I believe it is)?
Do I reframe by thinking "oh maybe she likes me, but she really is busy, but she didn't offer a 'maybe next time', so maybe her parents died" ?
Do I say to myself "oh she's a bitch and doesnt know what she's missing"?
Tell me what's next?
"Really, the only thing that a coddled (by your own admittance) desi dude can change is HIMSELF."
Hey, dumb bitch.
Coddled was in quotes. So the idea is, someone judgmental like you might consider me coddled because I felt guilty for spending all my parents money, so I felt the need to do what they thought was correct.
Did you bother to read the rest of what I said? My parents nearly bankrupted themselves to send me to an ivy league school. The first in our family. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Not go? Not look for a high paying job afterwards to repay all those loans?
"meant that they were not actually lower but that coddled and materialistic desis consider such women to be lower, when in fact there is no such thing as a higher or lower human to anybody else."
No, I don't think you are lower. What would make you lower is if you believe men and women are equal and demand equal treatment in one sphere but not others.
which it doesnt seem like you do, but then again I usually give women (erroneously) the benefit of the doubt.
"that coddled and materialistic desis consider"
Im not materalistic at all. I'd live in a cardboard box and drive a car with wheels made of cheese if women by and large didn't think that was a reflection on my character. But so often we are judged on our financial standing that we are forced to do these things by society in order to prove our so called "worth."
oh AND we have to be happy with our jobs, AND we have to be physically fit, AND we have to be emotionally available, but strong, AND we have to take charge, but not be controlling. seriously do women ever stop for a second to think about what they're saying
"Im not materalistic at all. I'd live in a cardboard box and drive a car with wheels made of cheese if women by and large didn't think that was a reflection on my character. "
Same here! Oh and I stopped waxing my uni-brown, my pits, my legs and stop wearing nice clothes and just run around in a sweat-suit all day. But then how many boyfriends could I have nabbed?
Zero.
Finally I found someone who likes the hairy and make-up free look, so I don't have to waste money on that sh*t anymore. Oh, and I've gained about 25 pounds too.
Now I know a guy LIKE YOU would've never taken me in this state.
Fess up!
you people with your anonymous handles. name your selves.
"Now I know a guy LIKE YOU would've never taken me in this state. "
Fair enough. but then just admit that men and women have their respective roles, and both have pressures to do for the other sex.
Just as long as you dont have a position that men do the things they do because they are "naturally competitive, aggressive" and women do the things they do because the evil ol' men of the world pressure them to do it... we're ok.
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